the Sequel

Yes - the Designer/Client relationship

Exeter Express and Echo

Once again, local news organ of excess and error has come up with a cracking example of journalistic style, brevity and borderline insanity.
The newspaper 'A-Board' is a regular object of hilarity across the country and possibly the world, but today I saw the Express and Echo come up with a world beater.
Yes, this could be England's Gold Medal hope for the category.




















This is just the sort of thing for which the expression "What the fuck?" was invented.

Cardboard Roll Gods

These little 'Easter Island' type gods are made out of old cardboard rolls. Funny what you do when you got so many really important things to do you can't sleep.


If you want to see how how a real master does it, look HERE

Disco Parties (for the over 40s)

Overheard at 70s style disco party (suburban front room, 3am, Roxy Music at million decibells):
"Oooo steve - my boobs come down to your tummy!"

!

Machine-gunning penguins

I have an urge to start a blog called 'Machine-Gunning Penguins'
Not sure why. Not sure what it would contain. Not sure where the idea came from.
Not sure if I need medication of some kind.
I just know that for the past two weeks, the phrase 'Machine-gunning Penguins' has been following me about like a bad but compelling smell.

I wonder if the 'GOOD' but witty angel that sits on my shoulder is having a laugh by whispering this concept into my ear continuously. Coincidently, on my other shoulder stands the NAUGHTY but basically deprived childhood devil (Barry) wearing, would you believe it, a penguin suit.

My how we all laughed.

Medication

Once (when I was enjoying the dizzy heights of being a hire 'em and fire 'em manager, I received a job app from someone who wrote on the form: "I've been on medication but I think I'm alright now."
"think" ?

Violent Cows

I just saw this headline on the BBC news website: MP Blunkett injured in cow attack

Great stuff eh? A good enough story as is, needing no further information. And yet I can't help wondering....
Were they politically motivated?
Was it a sexual thing?
Had there been some previous unpleasantness?
Was it a street gang of cows/ Maybe on the way back from a 'hen night' in Liverpool?
Or was the whole thing just a dreadful misunderstanding?

After the dust settled and the cows stood in a quiet circle around the prostrate and twitching form of MP DB was there a moment of horrible realisation?
COW 1 : Uh oh.
COW 2 : What?
COW 1 : I know this is gonna sound crazy but I think that's MP David Blunkett.
COW 2 : Oh fuck. We're in big trouble
COW 1 : What do you mean 'we'?

Just a thought.

Great ad

Sniggering like a naughty schoolboy - that's me.

Pretty much the best commercial ever! - watch more funny videos

Singing the Blues (in Devon)

Welcome to the deep south y'all. Deep South Hams that is.



I've decided I'm going to turn in to a shambling old, weatherbeaten blues singer. But a Devon version. I could be Muddy Brookes or maybe 'Howling Tor' Nik. Tractor Joe Tivvy?, Sonny-boy Saltash ? Blind Jimmy CreamTea?
Trago Joe McColl? Napoli Pete (the wrecker's conscience) ?

"Who could forget classic numbers such as:

Stuck behind another fucking tractor Blues
Crossroads and crockles
My woman done stole my VW Camper
I scream and Ice Lollies Blues
Proper job, Fash n' Chips in Union Street
My Pappy done sold our home to a sloane (then we all done bitch about second home owners for the rest of us lives) blues.

religion huh :(

One of the most powerful things I've seen.

Cats having fun while you're out

I have long suspected that when we go out, the cat gets all his mates over and they watch videos and eat pizza. I think that if we creep back quietly 10 mins after going out we could catch them going through the fridge and arguing over 'The madness of King George' or 'Terminator 3'.

This feels like a Gary Larson sort of moment. I can just see the middle aged couple at the now open front door, (she in flowery frock, he in pebble glasses) looking at the frozen tableau before them. Ginger at the fridge pulling out beers, Whiskers lighting up a cigar. LuLu and Tiddles sprawled out on the sofa with the remote control, bottle of wine and packet of nachos.
Bowser, (the terrier) bound with electrical wire to a chair in the corner with gaffer tape wrapped about his snout.

Possible captions:

“In the few seconds of tense silence the followed Ethel and Frank’s early arrival back from the shops, all parties quietly considered their options.’

“As all parties internally considered their options following Ethel and Frank’s early arrival back from the shops, Ginger sadly realised that he had left the rifle in the back of the truck.’

MPs Expenses SHOCK!

Hot news just in is that our heroes and betters in Parliament are voting on the following bonus/allowance/benefits for MPs

1. Tea and coffee for their offices, constituency office, home, second home, flat in Belize and mummy and daddy's farm in Dorset.

2. A swimming pool filled with asses milk and honey.

3. Cuddly Toy.

4. 500 sets of bed sheets.

5. A brace 'o Whippets and 52 barrels of heavy. (for Northern constituencies)

6. Tickets to Mamma Mia and a set of 'days-of-the-week' butt plugs, (for London and Brighton MPs. Nice

7. A new tractor each (for all other constituencies)

8. Wide screen tv, playstation3 and an iphone with a screensaver of Gordon/David/Nick/Katie. Delete as appropriate.

9. A shrubbery. ( yes - 2 level effect, path etc)

10. A short-cut button that when pressed will produce a calm and authoritative statement saying 'I was working strictly within the guidelines'. Even if you have just been caught on film machine gunning penguins, beating up little girls, stealing the crown jewels and butt fucking sheep on Salisbury Plain.

A Blonde in the British Library

My good buddy CrazyHorse (think blonde-max / Phoebe from Friends, only stranger) assailed me with this anecdote today.
She was scouring bookshelves in the British Library yesterday when random blerk next to her (possibly trying to engage in pick up conversation scenario) opened with "You can never find what your looking for can you?"
Ever ready with a smartarse quip Crazyhorse replied, 'No - I've been looking for a matching bag and shoes in here for two hours".
Apparently random blerk just didn't get humour and looked genuinely scared.
Crazyhorse= WIN Random Blerk=FAIL

Ancient Games and Rites

Extreme sports, ancient dances and rites that have, sadly, fallen from favour

Straddling the Runt
Punching the widow
Machine gunning Meerkats (Cute little bastards)
Taunting the Leper
Existentialism for Chavs
Interfering with Honey Badgers (actually not a metaphor)
Startling the incontinent
Stripping the virgin (Still popular under the Taliban)
Spanking Mugabe (still popular with big Bob apparently)
Getting a footballer to say a sentence without 'you know' in it.











Or my personal favourite:
Asking your local vicar 'why the Church of England doesn't sell its vast properties and lands to save starving children?', which baby Jesus, after all, would have undoubtably wanted.

My how they laugh, 'That would be an Ecumenical matter'.

A passion for .... advertising cliches

I tell you what's really pissing me off just lately ; The phrase 'a passion for'.

Fuck me, if I hear it used in some lame half-arsed marketing geek's 'right-on' slogan* one more time I think I'll scream up my lungs. "arghhhhhhhh-slop".

Using the word 'passion' about one's business or product was a bit wanky in the first place, ie circa 1994 but now, more than a decade on, it's wankymax, pretentious, irritating and, in most cases, largely inappropriate.

The dumb fucking use of 'a passion for' seems to have invaded every possible product and service, with hardly a newspaper ad, tv ad, junk (sorry direct) mail abortion or corporate re-branding being complete without it's slimy insincere tones.

"A passion for excellence" or "A passion for serving you/your business" are smug examples which then pale in comparison to the endless spewing torrent of 'a passion for food/chocolate/travel/delivery/logistics etc. Delete as appropriate.
I've even seen "A Passion for people-driven websites" (rolls off the tongue like a hairy toffee) and also "Passionate about Plastic"! Oh please.

Then you can find it being stretched (dilated to eye-watering proportions more like) beyond the bounds of common sense to accommodate any business need.
Smith &Co medical supplies - A passion for Hygenic Aids.
Keeper, Reciept and Partners - Your tax avoidance strategy is our passion
Kington, Scalpel & Kutts - Passionate about vivisection.
Marie Stopes - Passionate about great Cervix

JezzzTFchrist

Where will it end?
AlQueda.com - Passionate about Semtex
Anne Summers - A passion for passion
The Priesthood - Passionate about kids


*Of course it's not 'slogan' any more - it's probably something like 'brand mission micro-ident'.

I have a Great Aunt in Ilfracombe

The other day Cornish Bon Viveur, Surfmum brought the world of Oscar Wilde to life once again when,in an otherwise new millennium conversation, was slipped the casual line "I have a great Aunt in Ilfracombe".

I was momentarily cast back into a golden age of pink gins, maiden aunts, Aubrey Beardsley, punting, Bon mot, the Empire and The Importance of being Earnest.

Sadly there was no cucumber to be had.... not even for ready money.




This is CRAP. See the 1952 version with Redgrave and Edith Evans. It 'ROCKS' man.

International Shampoo Dealing

My good buddy and Cornish water dweller SurfMum has revealed to me the hidden world of International Shampoo Dealing. Apparently ladies are seeking out rare, discontinued or experimental brands of cosmetic goods by scouring ebay/websites/Polish container ships,Polish Sailors,refugee camps and council tips.

Surfmum herself has BOXLOADS of happy shopper Nicky (FAIL) Clarke 'Toss and spin' wash and condition, Infra-Red sex-on-a-stick bottles flown in by Airforce One from the USA every few months.



Is this just new to me or is everyone doing it?
I'll now be ordering a personal Container load of Arm&Hammer Bicarb toothpaste from Papua New Guinea.

PS And possibly also boxes of Captain Cruch cereal from the states. I still miss it since my childhood.

Dogging

Scary Duck has been bashing on about Dogging. It reminded me of this...

I'd had it in mind for some years to write a screenplay for a Hollywood blockbuster called 'Dogging'
Hear the trailer in your mind... "From the makers of Pride and Prejudice, the producers of Gone in 30 seconds, A Ridley Scott film, starring academy award nominee Brian 'Stiffy' Venkleman and Jennifer Lopez, Comes the motion picture event of the summer.... DOGGERS! In a world gone mad only one man stood up, proud, firm and ready while everyone else just watched...and prayed.
In cinemas this spring. Parental Guidance. 20thC Cocks. DVD Box set coming soon.

etc

Hmmm. It has promise I think.

ScaryDuck rating method .2

If you haven't seen scaryDuck's method of rating stuff, get over there asap.
SCARYDUCK HERE

Meanwhile here's my suggestion for a twenty point maximum score.

Christa Miller and Sophie Rayworth, naked, oiled lightly and playing Twister. (against the clock). Dan Maskell commentating."Oh I say"