Why is it that 'Music' radio plays less and less music these days? It seems that increasingly the DJs feel that the music I tuned in to listen to is an interruption to their show! Many channels seem prone to this problem but it is particularly irritating on channels who make a real feature of being 'all about the music'
In the UK, Radio One is a prime case in point. The BBC pumps out numerous talk based channels covering everything from the arts, news, specialists sport, local, regional issues,Ethnic groups, etc etc. When it comes to contemporary popular music however, there's only one national station: Radio One. You'd think therefore that they might focus on putting the bands and their music as the top priority. After all, being a non-commercial station they don't have to keep interrupting the music to have bloody irritating ads all the time - they actually have a big advantage over commercial radio which they could take capitalise on. But do they?
Oh no. They seem intent on making what should be (and calls itself) a music channel into a radio version of daytime TV - with a procession of vacuous 'presenters' who talk and talk and talk...and talk. They drip on about their night out, what they had to drink, their new car, old car, the 'match' on saturday, somebody they met at a club, what they did at school, what's on big brother, somebody else they met at a club, how much they drank, how funny they were with all their mates at the party on friday, the match this saturday, last weeks big brother, and on and on. They are actively encouraged in all this diatribe by the sychophants they gather about them in the studio. On and on this limp chatter continues, with all congratulating each other on the devastating wit and charm they display. And if they stop to take breath, it is only to go to the nightmare of...a 'Phone in'. Dear God - then we endure the deeply sad broadcast of even less charming people dripping on about THEIR night out, what they had to drink, their new car, old car, the 'match' on saturday, somebody they met at a club, what they did at school, what's on big brother, somebody else they met at a club, how much they drank, how funny they were with all their mates at the party on friday, the match this saturday, last weeks big brother, and on and on.
Arghhh. By this point I am screaming at the radio to play some BLOODY MUSIC! Often I have put the radio on at the start of a short car journey to have some music only to have reached the end of the trip with nothing but the presenters egocentric outpouring to cheer me on my way.
Don't get me wrong - I like talk radio sometimes (regular radio four listener) but I can tune in to it out of choice and it delivers what it says on the can. My gripe is when I want to also have the option of tuning into a pop music channel and I'm given talk, talk talk.
After the phone in, there suddenly seems a glimmer of hope as a band's name is mentioned but it turns out to be just a trailer for a studio interview with the presenter next week. (He is of course on first name terms).
There's then a little chat about another interview on last night's tv. Yawn.
Then suddenly...Hurrah! Some music is starting. I turn the radio up. It's not a band I like much but it's music at least - now I can enjoy the drive.
We're a minute into the track and the DJ decides to talk over it with a quip about somebody's hair who's just walked into the studio. Music back for 30 seconds until the guitar solo starts and then before I can quite believe it - the presenter cross fades it into the News bullitin.
Now I'm really going to lose it. 2 mins later.....The Weather Report. Still later.....Traffic news.
I'm screaming.
Then finally - back to the programme...but, no music. The DJ then engages in a stunningly cringe-making flirtation with the weather girl for minute after (licence payers) minute. Then all the 'crew' join in.
I'm beating my fist on the steering wheel by now.
I flick through other channels yet again to try and find some music. But as the talk channels are doing what they are supposed to do : broadcast talk/chat, they're no help. Sport channel - no good either. Commercial radio? try four channels and they're either phone-ins, interviews with local councilors or ten minutes of ads.
Back to radio One. - The flirtation is drawing to a close - Hurrah. Could this be it?
They play another trailer for next week's shows.
Maybe music now?
The presenter gather's himself - and I wait expectantly.
"And now, without any further ado...................
......... It's Competition Time! Hit those phones!"
I break down and cry.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Sub Plot
One of the many sub plots in this proposed novel involves a man with a prosthetic nob, who accidentaly loses it while on a visit to a novelty candle factory.
Classy eh?
You see I'm visualising the novel as being like a Tom Sharp book - only for the new generation, for 2006. So I think its farce and drug related sex violence in equal measure - Mmmm nice.
Classy eh?
You see I'm visualising the novel as being like a Tom Sharp book - only for the new generation, for 2006. So I think its farce and drug related sex violence in equal measure - Mmmm nice.
Novel idea
I've got this idea for a short novel that's been rollin' around in my head for a couple of years and I think it's getting to the time when I need to get going on it. And I'm thinking that it might be a good plan to take part in this year's NaNoWrirMo event to get me moving with a purpose.(if you don't know what NaNoWriMo is, it's National Novel Writing Month - take a look at the web site) And I am also considering using this blog to put the material 'out there' for feedback as I'm working on it. It's intimidating 'cause you don't have time to craft the work carefully and tweak/refine numerous revisions - you just have to write and move on asafp. So what I'll post here will be rough indeed!
Friday, September 22, 2006
Bugs me
This little creature is the star of a 3D GCI picture I'm working on for a competition. He needs a name. What could it be? Any ideas?
Chavs, and how to drive like a 8 year old special needs brat.
I see with interest and some sadness that one of the new generation of Top Gear presenters has nearly killed himself in jet powered car stunt. Being a bloke - I can't help but love the idea of fast cars, high octane excitement and V8 nirvana. It was obviously a risky thing to do but all power to him for having a go - it must have been awesome before it all went 'tits-up'.
I don't have any sympathy with the papers/media who are getting up themselves about tv entertainers/risk/money/danger etc. I can remember when I was a lad (and tv was still B&W) people like John Noakes on BBC childerens prog Blue Peter, doing all sorts of risky stuff. It's entertaining and informative and memorable. Just because he didn't actually 'fall off' Nelson's column - it doesn't mean that it wasn't risky.
However (you knew that was coming didn't you) - what really pisses me off is Jo public (and Joanna Public) on ordinary roads, at any time of day or night, feet away from families, kids, pedestrians generally, who have their foot welded to the floor the whole time they're driving and are completely pissed at anyone who is doing less than the statuatory 25mph OVER the legal speed limit!
And oh yeah - these 'brain-deads' have to be talking on their mobile. And they have to have bad skin, stink of McDonalds and are most often seen in Burberry baseball caps and 'tracky-bottoms'
I thought that I was just prejudiced - but then I started counting examples and it turned out to be worse than I thought.
There are a few odd exceptions to the type though.
Recently I was hurtling through the countryside on the way to work and I (dear reader) was doing 80mph, already some 10 miles per hour over the speed limit, when a little old lady who could hardly see over her steering wheel went past me like I was standing still!
Perhaps she had a Burberry blanket over her lap?
I don't have any sympathy with the papers/media who are getting up themselves about tv entertainers/risk/money/danger etc. I can remember when I was a lad (and tv was still B&W) people like John Noakes on BBC childerens prog Blue Peter, doing all sorts of risky stuff. It's entertaining and informative and memorable. Just because he didn't actually 'fall off' Nelson's column - it doesn't mean that it wasn't risky.
However (you knew that was coming didn't you) - what really pisses me off is Jo public (and Joanna Public) on ordinary roads, at any time of day or night, feet away from families, kids, pedestrians generally, who have their foot welded to the floor the whole time they're driving and are completely pissed at anyone who is doing less than the statuatory 25mph OVER the legal speed limit!
And oh yeah - these 'brain-deads' have to be talking on their mobile. And they have to have bad skin, stink of McDonalds and are most often seen in Burberry baseball caps and 'tracky-bottoms'
I thought that I was just prejudiced - but then I started counting examples and it turned out to be worse than I thought.
There are a few odd exceptions to the type though.
Recently I was hurtling through the countryside on the way to work and I (dear reader) was doing 80mph, already some 10 miles per hour over the speed limit, when a little old lady who could hardly see over her steering wheel went past me like I was standing still!
Perhaps she had a Burberry blanket over her lap?
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
TOP PICKLE - a tv show with bite
Know those car shows? - those smart arses trying to make bent metal sound like art? Trying to inject earth shattering excitement into yet another variation of of a dull gas guzzling over priced hunk-a-metal that will be consigned to automotive history by next year?
Well, hearing their over-extended metaphors and overly whining admiration for all that crap - I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if the TV company decided to relocate the presenters to a product based show with less horsepower. So instead of the UKs premier car show "Top Gear", I give you: "Top Pickle"
Music sweeps in
fast MOR rock, Ideally old Top Gear Theme: Jessica by Alman brothers.
Then angled zoom clips of jars of pickles in different settings with the words
‘TOP PICKLE’ overlaid.
VO (Jeremy Clarkson) for it his he
Sit down, strap in and hold on! Welcome to this weeks festival of the hot stuff, the high octane and the 100 brake chilli power.
This is...Top pickle.
Music up and then eases back
In this week’s show we put some of the worlds lengendary pickles and condiments head to head on the ultimate road test.
CLOSE UP
can the blisteringly fast super pickle from marenello ( Sundried tomato Chutney) stand up to the legendary classic..
Arkwrights easy-spread sandwich pickle...
Quentin?(lagubrious as ever)
Tomato against gerkhin? (raise of cocky eyebrow) Lets do the numbers and find This is a small-cut pickle to be sure - but under the bonnet is a big prize. Those clever little chaps at Arkwrights know a thing or two about punch per pound and in this little package, have delivered....in style
Sure, with the sundried tomoto offering - chillis come as standard .... but don’t be fooled - from first taste to spicy flood of flavour in under 4 seconds makes this stylish little sandwich pickle..... like a Mike Tyson on a tub of steriods.
Jeremy?
Clarkeson
Well yes, that’s all very nice but do you - really - want to be seen on the high street with an Arkwrights ? Where’s the ‘wow’ factor?
Part of pickling history it may be but the marque is looking a little long in the tooth.
How can I put it?.....It might have been de-regiour for your dad but...
Quentin (condecendingly)
Ahhh shallow youth, Arkwrights is, despite its heritage, an agile little number with breathtaking action,spice, bite and, what’s more, it hits the mark for a snip under the marenello price tag.
Jeremy
Well there you have it - we may not agree on everything, but there’s one thing we do...
Quentin
When it comes to sheer brute force performance - both these crazy chutneys have to take a second place to Top Pickle’s ‘Condiment of the Year’ two years running..
Jeremy
the stunning...
Quentin
the sublime...
Clarkeson
the legendary...
Quentin
Sancho and Singh’s
‘Gurka Dip’.
Jeremy
Pure performance in jar. Makes Mexican relish look like your granny’s cucumber spread.
I love this pickle
Quentin
Strap in, sit back...
Both
Hold on...
Quentin(with knowing nod and raise of eyebrow)
..and wait for mr.plod.
Music swells
Clarkeson Voice over
Join us next weeks Top Pickle when we will be pitting Happy Shoppers family Burger relish against a sachet of Mustard from a Granada service station.
END
Well, hearing their over-extended metaphors and overly whining admiration for all that crap - I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if the TV company decided to relocate the presenters to a product based show with less horsepower. So instead of the UKs premier car show "Top Gear", I give you: "Top Pickle"
Music sweeps in
fast MOR rock, Ideally old Top Gear Theme: Jessica by Alman brothers.
Then angled zoom clips of jars of pickles in different settings with the words
‘TOP PICKLE’ overlaid.
VO (Jeremy Clarkson) for it his he
Sit down, strap in and hold on! Welcome to this weeks festival of the hot stuff, the high octane and the 100 brake chilli power.
This is...Top pickle.
Music up and then eases back
In this week’s show we put some of the worlds lengendary pickles and condiments head to head on the ultimate road test.
CLOSE UP
can the blisteringly fast super pickle from marenello ( Sundried tomato Chutney) stand up to the legendary classic..
Arkwrights easy-spread sandwich pickle...
Quentin?(lagubrious as ever)
Tomato against gerkhin? (raise of cocky eyebrow) Lets do the numbers and find This is a small-cut pickle to be sure - but under the bonnet is a big prize. Those clever little chaps at Arkwrights know a thing or two about punch per pound and in this little package, have delivered....in style
Sure, with the sundried tomoto offering - chillis come as standard .... but don’t be fooled - from first taste to spicy flood of flavour in under 4 seconds makes this stylish little sandwich pickle..... like a Mike Tyson on a tub of steriods.
Jeremy?
Clarkeson
Well yes, that’s all very nice but do you - really - want to be seen on the high street with an Arkwrights ? Where’s the ‘wow’ factor?
Part of pickling history it may be but the marque is looking a little long in the tooth.
How can I put it?.....It might have been de-regiour for your dad but...
Quentin (condecendingly)
Ahhh shallow youth, Arkwrights is, despite its heritage, an agile little number with breathtaking action,spice, bite and, what’s more, it hits the mark for a snip under the marenello price tag.
Jeremy
Well there you have it - we may not agree on everything, but there’s one thing we do...
Quentin
When it comes to sheer brute force performance - both these crazy chutneys have to take a second place to Top Pickle’s ‘Condiment of the Year’ two years running..
Jeremy
the stunning...
Quentin
the sublime...
Clarkeson
the legendary...
Quentin
Sancho and Singh’s
‘Gurka Dip’.
Jeremy
Pure performance in jar. Makes Mexican relish look like your granny’s cucumber spread.
I love this pickle
Quentin
Strap in, sit back...
Both
Hold on...
Quentin(with knowing nod and raise of eyebrow)
..and wait for mr.plod.
Music swells
Clarkeson Voice over
Join us next weeks Top Pickle when we will be pitting Happy Shoppers family Burger relish against a sachet of Mustard from a Granada service station.
END
STORM CHASERS!
Presenter Voice over
Inspired by the thrilling exploits of ‘Indiana Jones-like’ meteorologists on America’s ‘hurricane alley’, the UK’s own amateur ‘Storm Chasers’ are every bit as enthusiastic in facing the might and drama of Britain’s weather in the raw.
In the heart of Devon I met up with Brian, or ‘Hurricane’ Edwards, as he is known by his rag-tag team of tornado amigos.
Exterior day, moor land. The disparate bunch of 5 losers in quasi-military/survival gear are stood around a crappy old Landrover which ifestooned with improvised meteorological equipment; wind socks, anometer made from cups and gaffer tape, aerials, ZX Spectrum and tourist maps etc. Brian at front in fatigues with belts of equipment all over. Cocky cowboy pose.
Presenter
So Brian...
All ( in over-excited jingoistic Marine kinda' way)
Wooo - yeah man - Hurricane! its Hurricane - Storm Chaser extraordinaire!
Presenter
Sorry...’Hurricane’. What is it that drives you all to be storm Chasers?
Brian (with OTT reverence and emotion)
It’s humbling man. Confronting mother nature’s power up close and personal. Like Nitchze said ‘ when you look into the storm - the storm looks into you’
Bubba (patting Brian meaningfully on the shoulder)
It changes you dude. I wasn’t the same person after my first level three shower.
Mary (clutching clipboard and ‘Girls Bumper book of the weather’)
It’s the scientific contribution that motivates me.
They all nod enthusiastically
Mary
With what we learn about these storms, we can increase warning times, we can save lives.
All (looking slightly more humble than Mother Teresa)
We just want to make difference
Film montage of a day with the team inc. driving around countryside, watching skies with binoculars, pouring over maps, scrambling, talking on mobiles and closely examining completely limp wind sock and taking notes.
Presenter Voice over:
During our day with Brian and his team I could not help but wonder how the mild, temperate ‘tornado-free’ climate in which they lived affected the likely hood of finding the violent nature they sought.
Presenter
Brian - sorry, ‘Hurricane’....I am in awe of your team’s enthusiasm, but I was wondering, considering we are in Devon, just what is the likelihood of you ever finding a real tornado?
Bubba (jumping in defensively and thrusting a blurred grey polaroid forward)
This was a level four light shower that we chased last bank holiday!
All
Chased for hours/amazin man/nearly to tavistock/we were there dude!/fantastic data/awesome!!
Bubba
I tell you...I’ve never been so scared!
Presenter
Er..yes, but surely....
Brian holds his hand up for silence and looks to the sky. they all look up eagerly and then to Brian in thrilled expectation. a beat
Brian
INCOMING!! LETS GO!!
They all scramble - jump into the Landrover and gun the engine
Title Card
2 hours later
View inside stationary, but noisy landrover containing entire team whopping and yelling as windscreen wipers beat noisily. Mary is crying with excitement!
All (high-fiving and punching the air)
This is it! / we got Debris! / Oh my God! / Jeez! / It’s a level FIVE!! Oh my God!!
Presenter
A group of brave individuals dedicated to the pursuit of the most violent phenomena that nature can throw at us. We can only marvel at the courage of Brian ‘Hurricane’ Edwards and his rag-tag team.
They are....Storm Chasers
Outside view of slightly rocking landrover (we can hear them whopping from inside). we pull back to reveal Landrover is in a muddy car park next to a play park.
In foreground a woman with dog/kids walks past barely concerned at the light shower.
Fade to black.
Inspired by the thrilling exploits of ‘Indiana Jones-like’ meteorologists on America’s ‘hurricane alley’, the UK’s own amateur ‘Storm Chasers’ are every bit as enthusiastic in facing the might and drama of Britain’s weather in the raw.
In the heart of Devon I met up with Brian, or ‘Hurricane’ Edwards, as he is known by his rag-tag team of tornado amigos.
Exterior day, moor land. The disparate bunch of 5 losers in quasi-military/survival gear are stood around a crappy old Landrover which ifestooned with improvised meteorological equipment; wind socks, anometer made from cups and gaffer tape, aerials, ZX Spectrum and tourist maps etc. Brian at front in fatigues with belts of equipment all over. Cocky cowboy pose.
Presenter
So Brian...
All ( in over-excited jingoistic Marine kinda' way)
Wooo - yeah man - Hurricane! its Hurricane - Storm Chaser extraordinaire!
Presenter
Sorry...’Hurricane’. What is it that drives you all to be storm Chasers?
Brian (with OTT reverence and emotion)
It’s humbling man. Confronting mother nature’s power up close and personal. Like Nitchze said ‘ when you look into the storm - the storm looks into you’
Bubba (patting Brian meaningfully on the shoulder)
It changes you dude. I wasn’t the same person after my first level three shower.
Mary (clutching clipboard and ‘Girls Bumper book of the weather’)
It’s the scientific contribution that motivates me.
They all nod enthusiastically
Mary
With what we learn about these storms, we can increase warning times, we can save lives.
All (looking slightly more humble than Mother Teresa)
We just want to make difference
Film montage of a day with the team inc. driving around countryside, watching skies with binoculars, pouring over maps, scrambling, talking on mobiles and closely examining completely limp wind sock and taking notes.
Presenter Voice over:
During our day with Brian and his team I could not help but wonder how the mild, temperate ‘tornado-free’ climate in which they lived affected the likely hood of finding the violent nature they sought.
Presenter
Brian - sorry, ‘Hurricane’....I am in awe of your team’s enthusiasm, but I was wondering, considering we are in Devon, just what is the likelihood of you ever finding a real tornado?
Bubba (jumping in defensively and thrusting a blurred grey polaroid forward)
This was a level four light shower that we chased last bank holiday!
All
Chased for hours/amazin man/nearly to tavistock/we were there dude!/fantastic data/awesome!!
Bubba
I tell you...I’ve never been so scared!
Presenter
Er..yes, but surely....
Brian holds his hand up for silence and looks to the sky. they all look up eagerly and then to Brian in thrilled expectation. a beat
Brian
INCOMING!! LETS GO!!
They all scramble - jump into the Landrover and gun the engine
Title Card
2 hours later
View inside stationary, but noisy landrover containing entire team whopping and yelling as windscreen wipers beat noisily. Mary is crying with excitement!
All (high-fiving and punching the air)
This is it! / we got Debris! / Oh my God! / Jeez! / It’s a level FIVE!! Oh my God!!
Presenter
A group of brave individuals dedicated to the pursuit of the most violent phenomena that nature can throw at us. We can only marvel at the courage of Brian ‘Hurricane’ Edwards and his rag-tag team.
They are....Storm Chasers
Outside view of slightly rocking landrover (we can hear them whopping from inside). we pull back to reveal Landrover is in a muddy car park next to a play park.
In foreground a woman with dog/kids walks past barely concerned at the light shower.
Fade to black.
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