One of the most powerful things I've seen.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Cats having fun while you're out
I have long suspected that when we go out, the cat gets all his mates over and they watch videos and eat pizza. I think that if we creep back quietly 10 mins after going out we could catch them going through the fridge and arguing over 'The madness of King George' or 'Terminator 3'.
This feels like a Gary Larson sort of moment. I can just see the middle aged couple at the now open front door, (she in flowery frock, he in pebble glasses) looking at the frozen tableau before them. Ginger at the fridge pulling out beers, Whiskers lighting up a cigar. LuLu and Tiddles sprawled out on the sofa with the remote control, bottle of wine and packet of nachos.
Bowser, (the terrier) bound with electrical wire to a chair in the corner with gaffer tape wrapped about his snout.
Possible captions:
“In the few seconds of tense silence the followed Ethel and Frank’s early arrival back from the shops, all parties quietly considered their options.’
“As all parties internally considered their options following Ethel and Frank’s early arrival back from the shops, Ginger sadly realised that he had left the rifle in the back of the truck.’
This feels like a Gary Larson sort of moment. I can just see the middle aged couple at the now open front door, (she in flowery frock, he in pebble glasses) looking at the frozen tableau before them. Ginger at the fridge pulling out beers, Whiskers lighting up a cigar. LuLu and Tiddles sprawled out on the sofa with the remote control, bottle of wine and packet of nachos.
Bowser, (the terrier) bound with electrical wire to a chair in the corner with gaffer tape wrapped about his snout.
Possible captions:
“In the few seconds of tense silence the followed Ethel and Frank’s early arrival back from the shops, all parties quietly considered their options.’
“As all parties internally considered their options following Ethel and Frank’s early arrival back from the shops, Ginger sadly realised that he had left the rifle in the back of the truck.’
Monday, May 18, 2009
MPs Expenses SHOCK!
Hot news just in is that our heroes and betters in Parliament are voting on the following bonus/allowance/benefits for MPs
1. Tea and coffee for their offices, constituency office, home, second home, flat in Belize and mummy and daddy's farm in Dorset.
2. A swimming pool filled with asses milk and honey.
3. Cuddly Toy.
4. 500 sets of bed sheets.
5. A brace 'o Whippets and 52 barrels of heavy. (for Northern constituencies)
6. Tickets to Mamma Mia and a set of 'days-of-the-week' butt plugs, (for London and Brighton MPs. Nice
7. A new tractor each (for all other constituencies)
8. Wide screen tv, playstation3 and an iphone with a screensaver of Gordon/David/Nick/Katie. Delete as appropriate.
9. A shrubbery. ( yes - 2 level effect, path etc)
10. A short-cut button that when pressed will produce a calm and authoritative statement saying 'I was working strictly within the guidelines'. Even if you have just been caught on film machine gunning penguins, beating up little girls, stealing the crown jewels and butt fucking sheep on Salisbury Plain.
1. Tea and coffee for their offices, constituency office, home, second home, flat in Belize and mummy and daddy's farm in Dorset.
2. A swimming pool filled with asses milk and honey.
3. Cuddly Toy.
4. 500 sets of bed sheets.
5. A brace 'o Whippets and 52 barrels of heavy. (for Northern constituencies)
6. Tickets to Mamma Mia and a set of 'days-of-the-week' butt plugs, (for London and Brighton MPs. Nice
7. A new tractor each (for all other constituencies)
8. Wide screen tv, playstation3 and an iphone with a screensaver of Gordon/David/Nick/Katie. Delete as appropriate.
9. A shrubbery. ( yes - 2 level effect, path etc)
10. A short-cut button that when pressed will produce a calm and authoritative statement saying 'I was working strictly within the guidelines'. Even if you have just been caught on film machine gunning penguins, beating up little girls, stealing the crown jewels and butt fucking sheep on Salisbury Plain.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
A Blonde in the British Library
My good buddy CrazyHorse (think blonde-max / Phoebe from Friends, only stranger) assailed me with this anecdote today.
She was scouring bookshelves in the British Library yesterday when random blerk next to her (possibly trying to engage in pick up conversation scenario) opened with "You can never find what your looking for can you?"
Ever ready with a smartarse quip Crazyhorse replied, 'No - I've been looking for a matching bag and shoes in here for two hours".
Apparently random blerk just didn't get humour and looked genuinely scared.
Crazyhorse= WIN Random Blerk=FAIL
She was scouring bookshelves in the British Library yesterday when random blerk next to her (possibly trying to engage in pick up conversation scenario) opened with "You can never find what your looking for can you?"
Ever ready with a smartarse quip Crazyhorse replied, 'No - I've been looking for a matching bag and shoes in here for two hours".
Apparently random blerk just didn't get humour and looked genuinely scared.
Crazyhorse= WIN Random Blerk=FAIL
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Ancient Games and Rites
Extreme sports, ancient dances and rites that have, sadly, fallen from favour
Straddling the Runt
Punching the widow
Machine gunning Meerkats (Cute little bastards)
Taunting the Leper
Existentialism for Chavs
Interfering with Honey Badgers (actually not a metaphor)
Startling the incontinent
Stripping the virgin (Still popular under the Taliban)
Spanking Mugabe (still popular with big Bob apparently)
Getting a footballer to say a sentence without 'you know' in it.
Or my personal favourite:
Asking your local vicar 'why the Church of England doesn't sell its vast properties and lands to save starving children?', which baby Jesus, after all, would have undoubtably wanted.
My how they laugh, 'That would be an Ecumenical matter'.
Straddling the Runt
Punching the widow
Machine gunning Meerkats (Cute little bastards)
Taunting the Leper
Existentialism for Chavs
Interfering with Honey Badgers (actually not a metaphor)
Startling the incontinent
Stripping the virgin (Still popular under the Taliban)
Spanking Mugabe (still popular with big Bob apparently)
Getting a footballer to say a sentence without 'you know' in it.
Or my personal favourite:
Asking your local vicar 'why the Church of England doesn't sell its vast properties and lands to save starving children?', which baby Jesus, after all, would have undoubtably wanted.
My how they laugh, 'That would be an Ecumenical matter'.
Monday, May 11, 2009
A passion for .... advertising cliches
I tell you what's really pissing me off just lately ; The phrase 'a passion for'.
Fuck me, if I hear it used in some lame half-arsed marketing geek's 'right-on' slogan* one more time I think I'll scream up my lungs. "arghhhhhhhh-slop".
Using the word 'passion' about one's business or product was a bit wanky in the first place, ie circa 1994 but now, more than a decade on, it's wankymax, pretentious, irritating and, in most cases, largely inappropriate.
The dumb fucking use of 'a passion for' seems to have invaded every possible product and service, with hardly a newspaper ad, tv ad, junk (sorry direct) mail abortion or corporate re-branding being complete without it's slimy insincere tones.
"A passion for excellence" or "A passion for serving you/your business" are smug examples which then pale in comparison to the endless spewing torrent of 'a passion for food/chocolate/travel/delivery/logistics etc. Delete as appropriate.
I've even seen "A Passion for people-driven websites" (rolls off the tongue like a hairy toffee) and also "Passionate about Plastic"! Oh please.
Then you can find it being stretched (dilated to eye-watering proportions more like) beyond the bounds of common sense to accommodate any business need.
Smith &Co medical supplies - A passion for Hygenic Aids.
Keeper, Reciept and Partners - Your tax avoidance strategy is our passion
Kington, Scalpel & Kutts - Passionate about vivisection.
Marie Stopes - Passionate about great Cervix
JezzzTFchrist
Where will it end?
AlQueda.com - Passionate about Semtex
Anne Summers - A passion for passion
The Priesthood - Passionate about kids
*Of course it's not 'slogan' any more - it's probably something like 'brand mission micro-ident'.
Fuck me, if I hear it used in some lame half-arsed marketing geek's 'right-on' slogan* one more time I think I'll scream up my lungs. "arghhhhhhhh-slop".
Using the word 'passion' about one's business or product was a bit wanky in the first place, ie circa 1994 but now, more than a decade on, it's wankymax, pretentious, irritating and, in most cases, largely inappropriate.
The dumb fucking use of 'a passion for' seems to have invaded every possible product and service, with hardly a newspaper ad, tv ad, junk (sorry direct) mail abortion or corporate re-branding being complete without it's slimy insincere tones.
"A passion for excellence" or "A passion for serving you/your business" are smug examples which then pale in comparison to the endless spewing torrent of 'a passion for food/chocolate/travel/delivery/logistics etc. Delete as appropriate.
I've even seen "A Passion for people-driven websites" (rolls off the tongue like a hairy toffee) and also "Passionate about Plastic"! Oh please.
Then you can find it being stretched (dilated to eye-watering proportions more like) beyond the bounds of common sense to accommodate any business need.
Smith &Co medical supplies - A passion for Hygenic Aids.
Keeper, Reciept and Partners - Your tax avoidance strategy is our passion
Kington, Scalpel & Kutts - Passionate about vivisection.
Marie Stopes - Passionate about great Cervix
JezzzTFchrist
Where will it end?
AlQueda.com - Passionate about Semtex
Anne Summers - A passion for passion
The Priesthood - Passionate about kids
*Of course it's not 'slogan' any more - it's probably something like 'brand mission micro-ident'.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
I have a Great Aunt in Ilfracombe
The other day Cornish Bon Viveur, Surfmum brought the world of Oscar Wilde to life once again when,in an otherwise new millennium conversation, was slipped the casual line "I have a great Aunt in Ilfracombe".
I was momentarily cast back into a golden age of pink gins, maiden aunts, Aubrey Beardsley, punting, Bon mot, the Empire and The Importance of being Earnest.
Sadly there was no cucumber to be had.... not even for ready money.
This is CRAP. See the 1952 version with Redgrave and Edith Evans. It 'ROCKS' man.
I was momentarily cast back into a golden age of pink gins, maiden aunts, Aubrey Beardsley, punting, Bon mot, the Empire and The Importance of being Earnest.
Sadly there was no cucumber to be had.... not even for ready money.
This is CRAP. See the 1952 version with Redgrave and Edith Evans. It 'ROCKS' man.
Friday, May 08, 2009
International Shampoo Dealing
My good buddy and Cornish water dweller SurfMum has revealed to me the hidden world of International Shampoo Dealing. Apparently ladies are seeking out rare, discontinued or experimental brands of cosmetic goods by scouring ebay/websites/Polish container ships,Polish Sailors,refugee camps and council tips.
Surfmum herself has BOXLOADS of happy shopper Nicky (FAIL) Clarke 'Toss and spin' wash and condition, Infra-Red sex-on-a-stick bottles flown in by Airforce One from the USA every few months.
Is this just new to me or is everyone doing it?
I'll now be ordering a personal Container load of Arm&Hammer Bicarb toothpaste from Papua New Guinea.
PS And possibly also boxes of Captain Cruch cereal from the states. I still miss it since my childhood.
Surfmum herself has BOXLOADS of happy shopper Nicky (FAIL) Clarke 'Toss and spin' wash and condition, Infra-Red sex-on-a-stick bottles flown in by Airforce One from the USA every few months.
Is this just new to me or is everyone doing it?
I'll now be ordering a personal Container load of Arm&Hammer Bicarb toothpaste from Papua New Guinea.
PS And possibly also boxes of Captain Cruch cereal from the states. I still miss it since my childhood.
Dogging
Scary Duck has been bashing on about Dogging. It reminded me of this...
I'd had it in mind for some years to write a screenplay for a Hollywood blockbuster called 'Dogging'
Hear the trailer in your mind... "From the makers of Pride and Prejudice, the producers of Gone in 30 seconds, A Ridley Scott film, starring academy award nominee Brian 'Stiffy' Venkleman and Jennifer Lopez, Comes the motion picture event of the summer.... DOGGERS! In a world gone mad only one man stood up, proud, firm and ready while everyone else just watched...and prayed.
In cinemas this spring. Parental Guidance. 20thC Cocks. DVD Box set coming soon.
etc
Hmmm. It has promise I think.
I'd had it in mind for some years to write a screenplay for a Hollywood blockbuster called 'Dogging'
Hear the trailer in your mind... "From the makers of Pride and Prejudice, the producers of Gone in 30 seconds, A Ridley Scott film, starring academy award nominee Brian 'Stiffy' Venkleman and Jennifer Lopez, Comes the motion picture event of the summer.... DOGGERS! In a world gone mad only one man stood up, proud, firm and ready while everyone else just watched...and prayed.
In cinemas this spring. Parental Guidance. 20thC Cocks. DVD Box set coming soon.
etc
Hmmm. It has promise I think.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
ScaryDuck rating method .2
If you haven't seen scaryDuck's method of rating stuff, get over there asap.
SCARYDUCK HERE
Meanwhile here's my suggestion for a twenty point maximum score.
Christa Miller and Sophie Rayworth, naked, oiled lightly and playing Twister. (against the clock). Dan Maskell commentating."Oh I say"
SCARYDUCK HERE
Meanwhile here's my suggestion for a twenty point maximum score.
Christa Miller and Sophie Rayworth, naked, oiled lightly and playing Twister. (against the clock). Dan Maskell commentating."Oh I say"
Naked Jehovah Witnesses
Just had them at the door again. (not actually naked though) But naked affront and sheer nerve after what I did to them last time.
I improvised a more subtle tactic this time, as I hadn't the time nor energy for blasphemous unpleasantness. I picked up the phone and clamped it to my ear and then as I opened the door I improvised a few lines along the lines of "Hold on just a moment, I'm just answering the door - I'm sure it won't take a second'. I then smiled brightly at the two minions of the darkness.
They apologised in that whispering 'sorry to disturb - we can see you're busy' sort of way and made their exit.
Classic strategy I think.
Pity just at the last minute they turned and tried to give me a small 1950s style leaflet about 'God'.
I'll be a-scrubbing the bloodstains out of my drive for a week. Bastards.
I improvised a more subtle tactic this time, as I hadn't the time nor energy for blasphemous unpleasantness. I picked up the phone and clamped it to my ear and then as I opened the door I improvised a few lines along the lines of "Hold on just a moment, I'm just answering the door - I'm sure it won't take a second'. I then smiled brightly at the two minions of the darkness.
They apologised in that whispering 'sorry to disturb - we can see you're busy' sort of way and made their exit.
Classic strategy I think.
Pity just at the last minute they turned and tried to give me a small 1950s style leaflet about 'God'.
I'll be a-scrubbing the bloodstains out of my drive for a week. Bastards.
Little people / fab video
Love this clever little video. Careful use of blur to create a fake depth of field and a stop motion effect makes the world look like a table top animation.
Bathtub IV from Keith Loutit on Vimeo.
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