Know those car shows? - those smart arses trying to make bent metal sound like art? Trying to inject earth shattering excitement into yet another variation of of a dull gas guzzling over priced hunk-a-metal that will be consigned to automotive history by next year?
Well, hearing their over-extended metaphors and overly whining admiration for all that crap - I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if the TV company decided to relocate the presenters to a product based show with less horsepower. So instead of the UKs premier car show "Top Gear", I give you: "Top Pickle"
Music sweeps in
fast MOR rock, Ideally old Top Gear Theme: Jessica by Alman brothers.
Then angled zoom clips of jars of pickles in different settings with the words
‘TOP PICKLE’ overlaid.
VO (Jeremy Clarkson) for it his he
Sit down, strap in and hold on! Welcome to this weeks festival of the hot stuff, the high octane and the 100 brake chilli power.
This is...Top pickle.
Music up and then eases back
In this week’s show we put some of the worlds lengendary pickles and condiments head to head on the ultimate road test.
CLOSE UP
can the blisteringly fast super pickle from marenello ( Sundried tomato Chutney) stand up to the legendary classic..
Arkwrights easy-spread sandwich pickle...
Quentin?(lagubrious as ever)
Tomato against gerkhin? (raise of cocky eyebrow) Lets do the numbers and find This is a small-cut pickle to be sure - but under the bonnet is a big prize. Those clever little chaps at Arkwrights know a thing or two about punch per pound and in this little package, have delivered....in style
Sure, with the sundried tomoto offering - chillis come as standard .... but don’t be fooled - from first taste to spicy flood of flavour in under 4 seconds makes this stylish little sandwich pickle..... like a Mike Tyson on a tub of steriods.
Jeremy?
Clarkeson
Well yes, that’s all very nice but do you - really - want to be seen on the high street with an Arkwrights ? Where’s the ‘wow’ factor?
Part of pickling history it may be but the marque is looking a little long in the tooth.
How can I put it?.....It might have been de-regiour for your dad but...
Quentin (condecendingly)
Ahhh shallow youth, Arkwrights is, despite its heritage, an agile little number with breathtaking action,spice, bite and, what’s more, it hits the mark for a snip under the marenello price tag.
Jeremy
Well there you have it - we may not agree on everything, but there’s one thing we do...
Quentin
When it comes to sheer brute force performance - both these crazy chutneys have to take a second place to Top Pickle’s ‘Condiment of the Year’ two years running..
Jeremy
the stunning...
Quentin
the sublime...
Clarkeson
the legendary...
Quentin
Sancho and Singh’s
‘Gurka Dip’.
Jeremy
Pure performance in jar. Makes Mexican relish look like your granny’s cucumber spread.
I love this pickle
Quentin
Strap in, sit back...
Both
Hold on...
Quentin(with knowing nod and raise of eyebrow)
..and wait for mr.plod.
Music swells
Clarkeson Voice over
Join us next weeks Top Pickle when we will be pitting Happy Shoppers family Burger relish against a sachet of Mustard from a Granada service station.
END
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