Poor Attitude

Stephen Hester and the RBS bonus

2012-01-30T00:01:00.001Z

UK politics became an exciting drama across the media this week as Stephen Hester the RBS (Royal Bank of Scotland) is set to receive nearly a million UK pounds as a bonus. This banking bonus culture is causing anguish and fury across media, the public and politicians alike. Cameron and George Osborne are squirming in annoyance but refusing to step-in. The Labour party are calling for action and the 'angry mobs' are waving banners.Seething Lane has reinterpreted this 'thrilling story' in the style of a Tintin adventure. A great satire on UK politics from this comic strip view of the corridors of power.

Visit SEETHING LANE for lots more comic strip adventures.

Seething Lane - Political Satire

2012-01-18T12:38:00.002Z

Finally, after quite a long haul, my latest little project is up online. SEETHING LANE is a Satirical comic-strip about UK politics and world current events set in a world that is a curious blend of Steampunk, whimsey, punk and black humor.This is a world of smoke and mirrors, a world of political intrigue, a world of seduction and despair. Welcome to the city, welcome to the narrow streets of the mid-levels, to the politic-istas in the Palace of Cessminster, skullduggery hatched in smokey coffee-houses and most of all, welcome to Sam and his house on Seething Lane.

Visit SEETHING LANE

On Denbury Down

2011-06-01T16:44:00.002+01:00

Just finished a great collaboration with composer Charlotte Partt.
Our film 'On Denbury Down' was shown at the Holmirth Film Festival as part of an evening presenting 'silent' films with original soundtrack scores.

To AV or not to AV; that is the question

2011-02-27T15:52:00.002Z

With the upcoming vote on whether the UK should change to an 'AV' system of parliamentary election, we take a look at the issues.

The AV Report is presented by the charming Nigel Hedgefund-DeBrett.

Haiku. Toads in migration!

2011-01-27T17:27:00.002Z

Yes this is supposed to be 'funny'. And yet slightly disturbing too....

croaking forth in rain
through blacktop of their fallen
slap the toads of war

Perhaps I need to get out more. :)

Cleopatra Haiku

2011-01-26T20:25:00.002Z

Playing with so many images in my head it was really hard to distill them into this and still hint at so many elements of the story.

marbled empires coil
tight, and cleopatra eyes
rome, yet strikes her not

Got away without mentioning pyramids/sand or asp :))

Hammer Horror Haiku / Psyku

2011-01-26T19:55:00.004Z

Memories of all those late night TV showings of old Hammer Horror movies when I was a kid.

Hammered bosom staked
heart pounds and teenage thrills at
technicolor screams

Just wish I could have got 'crypt' in there somewhere. Maybe in the next one. (The Sequel)

Psyku or Haiku from Hong Kong

2011-01-25T15:51:00.003Z

Here is another Psyku based on a moment from my last visit to Hong Kong.

Hong Kong, black bangs stream
noodle steam embraces rain
puddles, trap fireworks

The emotion word is 'embrace' and the 'fireworks' who are reflected in the rain puddles lead back to the ubiquitous black hair 'bangs' of the locals

Haiku and Psyku

2011-01-25T15:34:00.005Z

I'm loving this new variation on Haiku. For Psyku the 'rules' are as follows:

3 or 4 lines

13 -17 syllables (sometimes 5/7/5 for perfect version)

Must use of an emotion word, or word that implies an emotion.

Sometimes use of 'jump/cut' to contrast and compare, implicitly, two events, images, or situations.

The final line refers back to the opening line; preferably in a subtle or ironic way.

Here is an example

ten sharp, interview
anxiety gleams ahead
hunted, my collar cuts

This follows the 5 / 7 / 5 syllable form exactly. Anxiety to the 'Psych' word stating an emotion. Finally, the 'cutting' collar refers back to the 'sharp' of the opening line.
Also the 'interview' is alluded to in the phrase 'head / hunted'.

Things wot I have made

2010-06-08T22:46:00.001+01:00

Coffee at the Quayside, Exeter.

2010-05-17T14:13:00.001+01:00

Exeter Sketch Crawl

2010-05-03T13:23:00.002+01:00

Saturday 15th May 2010.

CALLING ALL SKETCHERS, CARTOONISTS, ANIMATORS, WANNA-BE ARTISTS, ART THERAPISTS, SCRIBBLERS, GRAFFITI-BANDITS, PAINTERS AND ILLUSTRATORS

Anyone in Exeter or Devon up for a SketchCrawl around the city centre?
I'm suggesting we start at the Phoenix Art Centre at 11am, head to Cathedral Green at 12, Down to the quay for 1pm for some lunch then sketching. Then at 3pm we meet to review and chat over a cup of tea before finishing.

All this weather permitting of course but could be fun even if we have to alter the locations a little; inside the Cathedral rather than outside for example!

Let me know if you're interested! Either here or by email to nikchinook@tiscali.co.uk

Octopus animation

2010-03-18T20:16:00.000Z

so very very good....

Spud & Dave episode 3. Dave meets a Banker

2009-12-23T23:00:00.001Z

Dave speaks for all of us when he meets his local banker.

Possibly the very best

2009-12-12T00:46:00.000Z

Just fab

2009-12-12T00:02:00.001Z

Played with style, precision and aggression. I'm full of admiration.

More cool beats

2009-12-12T00:00:00.001Z

Now that's what I call..... drummin'

2009-12-11T23:54:00.000Z

Spud and Dave (episode 2)

2009-12-06T15:19:00.001Z

Spud and Dave get all philosophical.

Spud and Dave

2009-12-03T10:55:00.001Z

Episode 1 - Grand Theft Social Worker

the Sequel

2009-10-14T09:37:00.001+01:00

Yes - the Designer/Client relationship

2009-10-14T09:15:00.001+01:00

Exeter Express and Echo

2009-09-22T20:09:00.003+01:00

Once again, local news organ of excess and error has come up with a cracking example of journalistic style, brevity and borderline insanity.
The newspaper 'A-Board' is a regular object of hilarity across the country and possibly the world, but today I saw the Express and Echo come up with a world beater.
Yes, this could be England's Gold Medal hope for the category.

This is just the sort of thing for which the expression "What the fuck?" was invented.

Cardboard Roll Gods

2009-08-18T19:53:00.004+01:00

These little 'Easter Island' type gods are made out of old cardboard rolls. Funny what you do when you got so many really important things to do you can't sleep.

If you want to see how how a real master does it, look HERE

Disco Parties (for the over 40s)

2009-07-07T21:43:00.002+01:00

Overheard at 70s style disco party (suburban front room, 3am, Roxy Music at million decibells):
"Oooo steve - my boobs come down to your tummy!"

!

Machine-gunning penguins

2009-06-22T11:45:00.002+01:00

I have an urge to start a blog called 'Machine-Gunning Penguins'
Not sure why. Not sure what it would contain. Not sure where the idea came from.
Not sure if I need medication of some kind.
I just know that for the past two weeks, the phrase 'Machine-gunning Penguins' has been following me about like a bad but compelling smell.

I wonder if the 'GOOD' but witty angel that sits on my shoulder is having a laugh by whispering this concept into my ear continuously. Coincidently, on my other shoulder stands the NAUGHTY but basically deprived childhood devil (Barry) wearing, would you believe it, a penguin suit.

My how we all laughed.

Medication

2009-06-17T23:44:00.002+01:00

Once (when I was enjoying the dizzy heights of being a hire 'em and fire 'em manager, I received a job app from someone who wrote on the form: "I've been on medication but I think I'm alright now."
"think" ?

Violent Cows

2009-06-08T19:48:00.003+01:00

I just saw this headline on the BBC news website: MP Blunkett injured in cow attack

Great stuff eh? A good enough story as is, needing no further information. And yet I can't help wondering....
Were they politically motivated?
Was it a sexual thing?
Had there been some previous unpleasantness?
Was it a street gang of cows/ Maybe on the way back from a 'hen night' in Liverpool?
Or was the whole thing just a dreadful misunderstanding?

After the dust settled and the cows stood in a quiet circle around the prostrate and twitching form of MP DB was there a moment of horrible realisation?
COW 1 : Uh oh.
COW 2 : What?
COW 1 : I know this is gonna sound crazy but I think that's MP David Blunkett.
COW 2 : Oh fuck. We're in big trouble
COW 1 : What do you mean 'we'?

Just a thought.

Great ad

2009-06-03T17:08:00.001+01:00

Sniggering like a naughty schoolboy - that's me.

Pretty much the best commercial ever! - watch more funny videos

Singing the Blues (in Devon)

2009-06-03T17:06:00.004+01:00

Welcome to the deep south y'all. Deep South Hams that is.

I've decided I'm going to turn in to a shambling old, weatherbeaten blues singer. But a Devon version. I could be Muddy Brookes or maybe 'Howling Tor' Nik. Tractor Joe Tivvy?, Sonny-boy Saltash ? Blind Jimmy CreamTea?
Trago Joe McColl? Napoli Pete (the wrecker's conscience) ?

"Who could forget classic numbers such as:

Stuck behind another fucking tractor Blues
Crossroads and crockles
My woman done stole my VW Camper
I scream and Ice Lollies Blues
Proper job, Fash n' Chips in Union Street
My Pappy done sold our home to a sloane (then we all done bitch about second home owners for the rest of us lives) blues.

religion huh :(

2009-05-29T17:45:00.001+01:00

One of the most powerful things I've seen.

Cats having fun while you're out

2009-05-26T15:14:00.001+01:00

I have long suspected that when we go out, the cat gets all his mates over and they watch videos and eat pizza. I think that if we creep back quietly 10 mins after going out we could catch them going through the fridge and arguing over 'The madness of King George' or 'Terminator 3'.

This feels like a Gary Larson sort of moment. I can just see the middle aged couple at the now open front door, (she in flowery frock, he in pebble glasses) looking at the frozen tableau before them. Ginger at the fridge pulling out beers, Whiskers lighting up a cigar. LuLu and Tiddles sprawled out on the sofa with the remote control, bottle of wine and packet of nachos.
Bowser, (the terrier) bound with electrical wire to a chair in the corner with gaffer tape wrapped about his snout.

Possible captions:

“In the few seconds of tense silence the followed Ethel and Frank’s early arrival back from the shops, all parties quietly considered their options.’

“As all parties internally considered their options following Ethel and Frank’s early arrival back from the shops, Ginger sadly realised that he had left the rifle in the back of the truck.’

MPs Expenses SHOCK!

2009-05-18T12:29:00.003+01:00

Hot news just in is that our heroes and betters in Parliament are voting on the following bonus/allowance/benefits for MPs

1. Tea and coffee for their offices, constituency office, home, second home, flat in Belize and mummy and daddy's farm in Dorset.

2. A swimming pool filled with asses milk and honey.

3. Cuddly Toy.

4. 500 sets of bed sheets.

5. A brace 'o Whippets and 52 barrels of heavy. (for Northern constituencies)

6. Tickets to Mamma Mia and a set of 'days-of-the-week' butt plugs, (for London and Brighton MPs. Nice

7. A new tractor each (for all other constituencies)

8. Wide screen tv, playstation3 and an iphone with a screensaver of Gordon/David/Nick/Katie. Delete as appropriate.

9. A shrubbery. ( yes - 2 level effect, path etc)

10. A short-cut button that when pressed will produce a calm and authoritative statement saying 'I was working strictly within the guidelines'. Even if you have just been caught on film machine gunning penguins, beating up little girls, stealing the crown jewels and butt fucking sheep on Salisbury Plain.

A Blonde in the British Library

2009-05-14T16:13:00.003+01:00

My good buddy CrazyHorse (think blonde-max / Phoebe from Friends, only stranger) assailed me with this anecdote today.
She was scouring bookshelves in the British Library yesterday when random blerk next to her (possibly trying to engage in pick up conversation scenario) opened with "You can never find what your looking for can you?"
Ever ready with a smartarse quip Crazyhorse replied, 'No - I've been looking for a matching bag and shoes in here for two hours".
Apparently random blerk just didn't get humour and looked genuinely scared.
Crazyhorse= WIN Random Blerk=FAIL

Ancient Games and Rites

2009-05-12T01:29:00.004+01:00

Extreme sports, ancient dances and rites that have, sadly, fallen from favour

Straddling the Runt
Punching the widow
Machine gunning Meerkats (Cute little bastards)
Taunting the Leper
Existentialism for Chavs
Interfering with Honey Badgers (actually not a metaphor)
Startling the incontinent
Stripping the virgin (Still popular under the Taliban)
Spanking Mugabe (still popular with big Bob apparently)
Getting a footballer to say a sentence without 'you know' in it.

Or my personal favourite:
Asking your local vicar 'why the Church of England doesn't sell its vast properties and lands to save starving children?', which baby Jesus, after all, would have undoubtably wanted.

My how they laugh, 'That would be an Ecumenical matter'.

A passion for .... advertising cliches

2009-05-11T18:18:00.007+01:00

I tell you what's really pissing me off just lately ; The phrase 'a passion for'.

Fuck me, if I hear it used in some lame half-arsed marketing geek's 'right-on' slogan* one more time I think I'll scream up my lungs. "arghhhhhhhh-slop".

Using the word 'passion' about one's business or product was a bit wanky in the first place, ie circa 1994 but now, more than a decade on, it's wankymax, pretentious, irritating and, in most cases, largely inappropriate.

The dumb fucking use of 'a passion for' seems to have invaded every possible product and service, with hardly a newspaper ad, tv ad, junk (sorry direct) mail abortion or corporate re-branding being complete without it's slimy insincere tones.

"A passion for excellence" or "A passion for serving you/your business" are smug examples which then pale in comparison to the endless spewing torrent of 'a passion for food/chocolate/travel/delivery/logistics etc. Delete as appropriate.
I've even seen "A Passion for people-driven websites" (rolls off the tongue like a hairy toffee) and also "Passionate about Plastic"! Oh please.

Then you can find it being stretched (dilated to eye-watering proportions more like) beyond the bounds of common sense to accommodate any business need.
Smith &Co medical supplies - A passion for Hygenic Aids.
Keeper, Reciept and Partners - Your tax avoidance strategy is our passion
Kington, Scalpel & Kutts - Passionate about vivisection.
Marie Stopes - Passionate about great Cervix

JezzzTFchrist

Where will it end?
AlQueda.com - Passionate about Semtex
Anne Summers - A passion for passion
The Priesthood - Passionate about kids

*Of course it's not 'slogan' any more - it's probably something like 'brand mission micro-ident'.

I have a Great Aunt in Ilfracombe

2009-05-10T09:29:00.005+01:00

The other day Cornish Bon Viveur, Surfmum brought the world of Oscar Wilde to life once again when,in an otherwise new millennium conversation, was slipped the casual line "I have a great Aunt in Ilfracombe".

I was momentarily cast back into a golden age of pink gins, maiden aunts, Aubrey Beardsley, punting, Bon mot, the Empire and The Importance of being Earnest.

Sadly there was no cucumber to be had.... not even for ready money.

This is CRAP. See the 1952 version with Redgrave and Edith Evans. It 'ROCKS' man.

International Shampoo Dealing

2009-05-08T17:26:00.009+01:00

My good buddy and Cornish water dweller SurfMum has revealed to me the hidden world of International Shampoo Dealing. Apparently ladies are seeking out rare, discontinued or experimental brands of cosmetic goods by scouring ebay/websites/Polish container ships,Polish Sailors,refugee camps and council tips.

Surfmum herself has BOXLOADS of happy shopper Nicky (FAIL) Clarke 'Toss and spin' wash and condition, Infra-Red sex-on-a-stick bottles flown in by Airforce One from the USA every few months.

Is this just new to me or is everyone doing it?
I'll now be ordering a personal Container load of Arm&Hammer Bicarb toothpaste from Papua New Guinea.

PS And possibly also boxes of Captain Cruch cereal from the states. I still miss it since my childhood.

Dogging

2009-05-08T17:23:00.001+01:00

Scary Duck has been bashing on about Dogging. It reminded me of this...

I'd had it in mind for some years to write a screenplay for a Hollywood blockbuster called 'Dogging'
Hear the trailer in your mind... "From the makers of Pride and Prejudice, the producers of Gone in 30 seconds, A Ridley Scott film, starring academy award nominee Brian 'Stiffy' Venkleman and Jennifer Lopez, Comes the motion picture event of the summer.... DOGGERS! In a world gone mad only one man stood up, proud, firm and ready while everyone else just watched...and prayed.
In cinemas this spring. Parental Guidance. 20thC Cocks. DVD Box set coming soon.

etc

Hmmm. It has promise I think.

ScaryDuck rating method .2

2009-05-06T20:42:00.007+01:00

If you haven't seen scaryDuck's method of rating stuff, get over there asap.
SCARYDUCK HERE

Meanwhile here's my suggestion for a twenty point maximum score.

Christa Miller and Sophie Rayworth, naked, oiled lightly and playing Twister. (against the clock). Dan Maskell commentating."Oh I say"

Naked Jehovah Witnesses

2009-05-06T14:19:00.002+01:00

Just had them at the door again. (not actually naked though) But naked affront and sheer nerve after what I did to them last time.
I improvised a more subtle tactic this time, as I hadn't the time nor energy for blasphemous unpleasantness. I picked up the phone and clamped it to my ear and then as I opened the door I improvised a few lines along the lines of "Hold on just a moment, I'm just answering the door - I'm sure it won't take a second'. I then smiled brightly at the two minions of the darkness.
They apologised in that whispering 'sorry to disturb - we can see you're busy' sort of way and made their exit.

Classic strategy I think.

Pity just at the last minute they turned and tried to give me a small 1950s style leaflet about 'God'.
I'll be a-scrubbing the bloodstains out of my drive for a week. Bastards.

Little people / fab video

2009-05-06T14:15:00.002+01:00

Love this clever little video. Careful use of blur to create a fake depth of field and a stop motion effect makes the world look like a table top animation.

Bathtub IV from Keith Loutit on Vimeo.

Something for the ladies

2009-04-29T09:44:00.001+01:00

Thanks to ScaryDuck's blog's celebrity method of rating stuff. My contribution.

Eamonn (if I was a toffee I'd eat myself) Holmes oiling himself up and stretching over a 'Hostess Trolley' whilst fashion victim extraordinaire Gok Wan ( allright girlfriend) accessorizes his smug fat friend's low hanging fruit with a 'cream pie' while wearing Beyonce style silk hotpants. Yeah - go girl!

Newton Abbot Web cams

2009-04-29T09:33:00.003+01:00

Why hasn't our lovely village of Scabbot got a webcam?
Surely this marvel of modern technology would transform our tourist industry. Perhaps I should contact the local Devon mafiosi (or town council) as it likes to present itself and suggest they expose our delights to the world?

Who could fail to be entranced by the multistory car park with its trailing plant things, blackened by fumes? Or the newly painted 1950s eyesore offices. Better still why not site the camera near our scintillating hot spot - the night club Rafters. Or as it is know locally 'Shafters'. Then of course there could be another 'scabcam' on the street of a thousand take-aways, or as that is commonly known 'The Vomitarium'.

The high class buzz of an average evening there is going to make New York webcams look pretty silly I can tell you.

It's got to be a winner of an idea I think.

The Cream of Society

2009-04-26T12:40:00.000+01:00

One of the funniest things I've seen for a long time.
Chavs at play:

Jedi Mind Trick Redux No.10

2009-04-23T23:05:00.000+01:00

Stormtrooper: Let me see your identification.
Obi-Wan: [with a small wave of his hand] You don't need to see his identification.
Stormtrooper: We don't need to see his identification.
Obi-Wan: These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Stormtrooper: These aren't the droids we're looking for.
Obi-Wan: He can go about his business.
Stormtrooper: You can go about your business. Move along, move along
Obi-Wan: Move along, move along
Stormtrooper: Have a nice day now.
Obi-Wan: Have a nice day now.
Stormtrooper: Actually, these are the Droids you're looking for.
Obi-Wan: Actually, these are the Droids you're looking for.
Stormtrooper: And I'm a fugitive Jedi Knight
Obi-Wan: And I'm a fugitive Jedi Knight
Stormtropper: Okay - you're all under arrest.
A silent pause as Obi-Wan turns to Luke.
Obi-Wan: What just happened then?

Echo Chamber people

2009-04-23T15:32:00.001+01:00

A person who totally, obsequiously agrees with everything another person says.

“During the meeting my boss Jeremy calls on Jason, who’s a well-known management echo chamber to ask if Jason thinks the Company’s new and much stricter internet policy is a fair one. The rest of us spend the remainder of the meeting retching at the resultant tsunami of blatant ass-smooching.”

Brilliant stuff from The Urban Dictionary

"Life at the pixelface isn't all it's clicked up to be"

2009-04-23T15:19:00.002+01:00

http://www.urbandictionary.com

Now this is what I call a real time-waster site designed to suck you into eye-watering, click-o-holic, web trance-coma.
I was so into it in about 30 seconds flat that I think my entire metabolism slowed and then stopped.

When I came round, it was a different day.

Afghan Police get high

2009-02-18T09:30:00.003Z

The news reports this morning say that 40% of Afghan Policemen test positive for cannabis or opium.
I gotta say, if I was an Afghan Policeman I'd need a f**king joint to get me through the day too!

Frankly, I'd need to be blasted right out of my fkin head and off the this whole planet to get through to my first coffee (arabgold instant) and Fag (Scimitar Kings full strength) break back at the station*.

* For 'station'read, barbed wire and rubble enclave surrounded by semtex encased wannabies looking for a short cut to half a doz virgins.

UK and Fench Submarines collide in Atlantic

2009-02-16T18:47:00.001Z

Jedi Mind Trick Redux

2009-02-06T22:58:00.002Z

This is what I've been doing lately. (I need to get out more)

The Anarchist. Music & Video

2009-02-04T14:18:00.002Z

I Need to get out more...

Snappy Wisdom (or trite observations)

2009-02-02T16:11:00.004Z

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead." - Charles Bukowski

"I'm not crazy, I just don't give a fuck." -- Willy (Night of the Comet)

"Having a bad day? It takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle." -- Dr. John D. Taylor

"This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence." - Vyvian, The Young Ones (episode: Bambi)
'"

"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light."

Django - Yeehaa!

2009-01-10T15:35:00.001Z

Client's Logos are never big enough!

2008-11-20T16:43:00.001Z

This is simply so very true.

http://www.makemylogobiggercream.com/

Edge of the world (Test)

2008-11-10T01:39:00.000Z

A little animation I'm working on. Here's a short taster/test

City Paradise

2008-11-10T01:28:00.000Z

Oh but I'd love to be able to create work as lovely as this...

USA ELECTION 08

2008-10-30T20:49:00.002Z

Gosh - what fun!

Strange Dreams

2008-10-20T19:14:00.003+01:00

Awoke this morning in a strange state of mind following a very bizarre dream that I was still 'clambering' out of as I woke.
I was in some sort of 'artificial' town/village environment. It was a bit like a hybrid of 'The Village' in The Prisoner and the town in The Truman Show and a bit of my home town of Malvern.
It was as if I and everyone who was living there was aware that it was all an artificial creation, like some kind of adult holiday camp, but we all seemed to agree to not really mention it. We just all 'suspended our disbelief' so as to enjoy the rather lovely, sunny, carefree, hedonistic environment. It wasn't some sort drunken, sexual free-for-all or anything like that; it was all rather innocent but intensely happy.
However (even within the dream) I kept getting daydreams/flashes of other darker forces and shocking scenes like rooms full of fire and floors of dark water, that indicated that all was not as it seemed! Weird.
Anyway, it ended as (in the dream) I was walking up the steep hill in the town centre to some fantastic event with music and laughter and friends and lovers at the white pub where everyone was gathering. As I was climbing the hill I became I was awaking and that I was going to loose this wonderful world and so distraught was I that I began to cry. And so intense was the sadness that I was ACTUALLY sobbing as I woke!

Funny what drinking 6 pints of lager and a Southern Comfort before you go to bed can do.

Don't Forget your Anniversary

2008-10-15T19:11:00.000+01:00

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Funny Animations | Upload Video Clips

Jedi Mind Trick Redux 6

2008-09-16T22:30:00.001+01:00

Stormtrooper: Let me see your identification.
Obi-Wan: [with a small wave of his hand] You don't need to see his identification.
Stormtrooper: We don't need to see his identification.
Obi-Wan: These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Stormtrooper: What droids we're looking for?
Obi-Wan: These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Stormtrooper: I never mentioned any droids.
Obi-Wan: Didn't you?.
Stormtrooper: Nope.
Obi-Wan: You sure?
Stormtrooper: I just flagged you down and said 'good afternoon gentlemen'.
Obi-Wan: Oh.
Stormtrooper: Then you launched into this shit about droids.
Obi-Wan: (anxiously)He can go about his business - move along?
Stormtrooper: You ain't going nowhere. Tell me more about these droids.
Obi-Wan: (sighing to Luke) Bollux - I fucked that up.

I'm sorry - Nik Chinook is not available

2008-09-16T22:11:00.002+01:00

Quite on this blog I'm afraid as this month I'm busy on the:
http://the-red-riding-hood.blogspot.com/

Yep - 30 Days - 30 red Riding Hoods is the challenge.
Intrigued? You should be.

Don LaFontaine RIP

2008-09-03T20:40:00.003+01:00

Oh shit. Only yesterday I'm making light of Don LaFontaine's Hollywood trailer vocal-styling and the man promptly ups and dies. Or should that be 'downs' and dies?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7596451.stm

Respect to you Don; you were more often than not, the best thing about the films you were plugging.

New Classroom Fun

2008-09-02T19:54:00.005+01:00

Mrs Peach, local school 'mam of this parish informs me that this year the six classrooms are rather than numbered, to be identified with Sea or maritime nomenclature. This, apparently is acknowledgment of the coastal location and indeed sea view the school enjoys.

Mrs P finally informed me that they had chosen such titles as 'Sea Horse', 'Ocean' and 'Dolphin'.
However, this was not before I had been reduced to tears of laughter as my mind had raced with the more gritty and humdrum seaside references that would have been more applicable to the South Devon coast.

I cannot help but delight in the thought of the nursery, reception and various year one children's classrooms rejoicing under such names as:
SANDY CREVICE
SEWAGE OUTFALL
USED PROPHYLACTICS
FISH HEADS
SYRINGE PILE
DECOMPOSING JELLYFISH
DOG TURDS
and for the toddlers class room:
VICIOUS HERRING GULLS

Hurricane Gustav

2008-09-02T16:57:00.013+01:00

Well that was a bit of a damp squib I'd have to say.
My respects and sympathy to those who have suffered of course, however...

The week of building tension, dire predictions and the mass exodus had ,of course, raised expectations of the most dramatic scenes of Armageddon-style destruction, chest beating and general discomfiture since the great plagues of Egypt.

You could almost hear Don LaFontaine, (the hollywood trailer voice over man) giving it it his best:
'in a world on the brink of disaster.... one man stood ready...to save our future...to hold our dreams... to begin again. Starring academy award wining Michael Douglas as Kurt Hudson. From the writers of 'Mitzy gets a mouthful' and from the people who brought you 'Kiddie Camp Killer IV' this summer's must-see blockbuster will leave you breathless and moist.
(may contain scenes of mild peril and someone says 'fuck')

In the end, from what I could see, on my brief sojourn on BBC News 24 site, was footage shot by desperate cameramen trying to get some kind of drama. There was a long shot of some, already loose, roofing felt flapping a bit. Then some waving trees followed by a clip of a small empty piece of tin (albeit a catering sized tin) bouncing down an empty wet street. Hmmmm.

And then the big feature clip of the report was of three New Orleans 'yoofs' ("Wow - awesome storm dude") leaning into the wind for laughs and then (wait for it) one has his hat blown off which he chases with ill-founded optimism and to the delight of his homies. "Woo - like it was totally crazy man". Should be on a YouTube near you soon.
I've had bigger storms in my pants.

THE BBC REPORT

Jedi Mind Trick Redux 5

2008-09-01T16:20:00.002+01:00

Gremlins Fan Film

2008-08-30T11:00:00.003+01:00

Remember the scene in Gremlins 2 in which the green guys take over the film medium itself. This is a French fan film that takes the idea even further with a personal Video Recorder version.

Little Red Riding Hood

2008-08-29T17:13:00.007+01:00

Been enjoying re-reading Angela Carter's wonderful 'The Bloody Chamber' lately and the brilliant 'Company Of Wolves' got me thinking about illustrating Little Red Riding Hood.
It's obviously a story saturated in cocktail of psychological and cultural meanings - not all of which are 'suitable' for children and consequently there seems to be a wide range of stylistic interpretations of Red and her (sometimes fatal) adventures.

I've been toying with the thought of just how many 'versions' I could come up with and so to that end I'm going to create a new RED for each day during this September and put the results up on this blog daily. I'm planning on scraping together anything I can from illustration, words, paint, photography, CGI, papier-mache etc to try and hit my target and I'm sure some will work better than others but, just as with Red traversing the forest, I might just find out more about myself than I expected.

Jedi Mind trick redux 4

2008-08-29T17:03:00.002+01:00

Jedi Mind Trick Redux

2008-08-27T16:09:00.002+01:00

Stormtrooper: Let me see your identification.
Obi-Wan: [with a small wave of his hand] You don't need to see his identification.
Stormtrooper: We don't need to see his identification.
Obi-Wan: These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Stormtrooper: What?
Obi-Wan: These aren't the Droids you're looking for.
Stormtrooper: Fucking what?
Obi-Wan: These aren't the Droids you're looking for.
Stormtrooper: You trying to tell me my job??
Obi-Wan: [sadly] Shit - I've lost it...I've lost it.
Stormtrooper: I don't have time for this, move along... move along.
Obi-Wan and Luke move off

Come again?

2008-08-27T16:04:00.003+01:00

A lovely new layout for your delictation. Hmm - much better. A nice new heading strap too! Oooooo!
Oh dear - I think I've just had a spontaneous emission.

Jedi Mind Trick (redux) 2

2008-08-07T21:21:00.002+01:00

Stormtrooper: Let me see your identification.
Obi-Wan: [with a small wave of his hand] You don't need to see his identification.
Stormtrooper: We don't need to see his identification.
Obi-Wan: These aren't the toys you're looking for.
Stormtrooper: These aren't the what we're looking for?
Obi-Wan: These aren't the Droids you're looking for.
Stormtrooper: You said 'Toys'
Obi-Wan: I said Droids.
Stormtrooper: 'Toys' dude
Obi-Wan: I can assure you I said Droids.
Stormtrooper waits a moment then: Hey, you British?
Obi-Wan: [with a angry wave of his hand] Move along!
Stormtrooper: Move along... move along.
Obi-Wan and Luke move off
Stormtrooper to 2nd trooper: Did he sound British to you?

Jedi Mind Trick (redux)

2008-08-07T21:03:00.003+01:00

I want, I'd settle for, I got...

2008-08-07T21:00:00.003+01:00

I want the Alien Queen
I'd settle for the creature from 'The Thing'
I'd get 'Alf'

Now there's an alien you want to smack in the mouth.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=19172213019

Devon Video

2008-08-06T10:46:00.001+01:00

2 minutes of lovely Devon courtesy of Wide Eye Communications www.wideeyecom.com

THE URBAN JEDI

2008-08-04T12:12:00.003+01:00

It's very satisfying to hummmm gently with a slight pulsating cadence. Thereby creating a soft 'light sabre' effect that you can enjoy in the office, on the train or bus or (if you're feeling mischievous) during important meetings.

I highly recommend it as it not only sooths the soul, it summons The Force, confuses radar, mystifies friends and colleagues and, best of all, provides a subtle internal massage.

My time here is not wasted.

Deeply Moving Story

2008-08-04T11:48:00.002+01:00

A friend sent me this moving and heart warming story the other day.....

In 1986, Dan Harrison ( left ) was on holiday inKenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing..

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
.
.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Great quotes to ponder

2008-08-03T19:51:00.002+01:00

Courtesy of Becca Tame's delightful Facebook page:

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you" Oscar Wilde.

"Lemons are the poor mans orange" Ian Bennett

"Touch your inner child at Womb World" Ian Bennett

"Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers" Peep Show

"Maybe I am a big lesbo!!Think not tho cos I love willies!!" Tamsin Pengelly

"I can only take Dick for 45 minutes" Vic Raine

"You never know, cucumbers might have feelings too" Pip Clarke

"You're an aquired taste. Not for general consumption" Ben Tame

"Your default setting is evil" Sue Tame

"Peas. Sent from Jesus to please us" Meryl Reeves

Family Guy

2008-08-02T17:49:00.003+01:00

I'm having strange feelings about Lois Griffin.

But then again I've been having those feelings about Trisha Takenawa for some time.

Do you think there may be a term for 'inappropriate feelings for cartoon characters'?
I'm hoping to hear some suggestions.

Will be back with some thoughts shortly :))))) Yabadabadoooooo!

I want, I'd settle for, I got.....

2008-07-10T19:43:00.004+01:00

I remember in the mists of time a chaotic party in my youth when we would play a game called "I want, I'd settle for, I got.'

The form was to say:
I want: .......
I'd settle for....
I got.....
The idea was to take it in turns to add a line, in the correct order, hopefully making each statement funnier than the last and hopefully embarrassing to all concerned.

Doesn't sound like much I'd agree. But when you're young and very drunk, it kinda works.

In celebration of this little game and because it still makes me laugh I decided to set up a facebook group to encourage these 'Haiku' like gems from friends, family and hopefully others who may stumble upon it.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=19172213019

If you get a chance - pop over and take a look and contribute some thoughts.

One choice contribution already for example:

I wanted, a horse
I'd a settled for, a Mule
I got, an ass - and a big one at that.

The Far Side 2

2008-07-10T19:37:00.001+01:00

Zen Buggerham

2008-01-22T15:21:00.000Z

The village of Buggerham is becoming rather 'Zen' of late.
Only this morning I was woken by the sound of a Japanese bamboo flute (or Shakuhachi) drifting across the thatched roofs. And the day before yesterday old Mrs Trim and her ladies held a Tea ceremony in Primrose Tea Rooms.
It appears that the village is turning to esoteric forms of enlightenment, encouraged, I can only surmise, by the Reverend Wiltshire's conversion to Jedi.

2007-05-21T23:54:00.001+01:00

The local Convent's Charity Fun Day!

Marvellous!! - we raised £25 for the Pets In Need home during last Sunday's Fun Day event. Many thanks to Mrs Emily Hunterstone who was such a 'sport'! (as always)

Rubber Ducky

2007-05-21T12:25:00.000+01:00

Quite simply one the best Bert&Ernie moments ever. Although featuring Ernie for 99% of the piece, Bert still manages to steal the show with his expression outside the door near the end.

Blatant advertising

2007-04-23T22:04:00.000+01:00

Yes it's true : I have a new website for my paltry business ventures.

If you are casting about for someway of passing a dreary five minutes (make that 2), then why not skip across to:
http://www.nikchinook.com
and push up my profile. Actually, I can think of many reasons why not to.

And as for pushing up my profile - Crikey, what would the vicar say?

Moist but willing

2007-04-23T21:54:00.000+01:00

wet wet wet

Buggerham village has been somewhat awash this week. It began with torrential rain and ended with my washing machine 'letting go' big style.
On the upside Mrs Peach let me take her roughly on the upstairs landing and was suitably moist too.

This was a surprise treat but the rough texture of the seagrass natural flooring has left an unattractive griddle-like pattern across my knees.

I haven't yet seen what it might have left upon cecily's deriere.
This though an alarming 'washboard' sound whenever she pulls her jeans on.

fusty Chinook

2007-04-23T21:53:00.001+01:00

It seems that the smug 'to-clever-for-his-own-boots' Bohemian artist Mr Moon is making our quiet little village the setting for his book: Potters Fields, as featured in the NanoWrim.org competition.

Mr Hardy, Florence Clampit and Hetty Knob are going to see the vicar about it.

They have asked for my support, but i told them it was in a cupboard somewhere and probably rather fusty by now.

I fear I've been ostracised

New Neighbour

2007-04-23T21:51:00.000+01:00

Excitement in Buggerham this week as A&C from next door have moved and a new lady has arrived. The word on the street is 'older lady, single (divorced, seperated or recently bereaved?) and has a lady cat.

Hmmm - our fiesty Tom cat 'Scabies' will have something to say about that!

Great Product Ideas

2007-02-27T17:33:00.000Z

Home DIY Lipo-suction kit. 'Take that weight of your mind while the Blubber-Sucker4000 takes the fat out of your thighs!'

Home DIY Retina laser surgery kit. 'Fun for all the family! (may contain potentialy occular damaging processes and materials.)'

Novelty Colostomy bags (would have goldfish or novelties in etc - bit like snodomes). 'Don't let disability stop you making a splash this Christmas!'

Cat Juggling for beginners, kit. 'Labaratory-bred cat-substitutes in every box'

World's first Home mini Nuclear power plant (pay-off line: and you get a FREE TAN!)

Lifestyle themed Tazer-guns. for example: 'The new Lady-Tazer lite! Small enough to slip in your purse - powerful enough to floor any burly attacker! Now in soft pink or Laura Ashley finish.'

The Nipple-Budy. An end to jogger's nipple with the easy to use all natural, clamp-on, chemically impregnated Nipple-relaxant system.

The far Side Animation

2007-01-22T20:07:00.000Z

Animation excess

2007-01-17T10:43:00.000Z

Finally, the first post of the New Year.
Those of you who know me will be aware of why I've been busy - but for those of you who don't:
The past couple of months have been dominated by my working on an animation for the C4D Cafe competition : "WARP10"
C4D is a 3D illustration software package that creates stills or animations. You can see an example below on the 'Computer Bug' post.
The competition was to create a short film on the theme of 'Speed'
I've made a 2minute piece called 'The Far Side' about a Fly called Gary who wants to get to the far side of the road to feast on a dumped chinese take-away meal on the pavement. Unfortunately, between him and the bag is a road being burned up by boy-racer Chavs.

Anyway, if you wanna see it, swing by:
http://www.c4dcafe.com/ipb/index.php?showtopic=17601
and look for Chinook.

It's been a steep learning curve. Two months ago my C4D skills just about ran to making a basic spinning logo. I'd made a model of an simple exhibition stand for a client, which in retrospect was basic to say the least. And my animation skills had run to making the camera track round from left to right over three seconds. :(

Now - looking at what I've got done for my entry I can hardly believe I've come on so far. Really proud of my little hero Gary.

The World's first Computer Bug

2006-12-15T12:08:00.000Z

It's 7.30pm Christmas Eve 1969. Somewhere in the bowels of IBMs Thomas J Watson Research Centre, the office party is drawing to a close.

Software boffin, Milt Goldberg is locking up his office before heading home for the holiday, not to return until the new year.
Unfortunately, the mix of cheap red wine, Christmas cake and general 'joi-de-vie' that afternoon has precipitated Milt's fatal and world-changing coding error.

Crawling out from The shadows of Milt's System/360 Model 25, appears the creature that will over the decades ahead become a legend as it spreads and multiplies. With no one around to prevent its infestation the creature sets off on its software odyssey to take over the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the first : Computer Bug.

(I think his name is Edgar)

The ubiquitous 'Computer Bug' - 'Where did it come from?, When was it born?' etc.
A Late 1960's IBM research lab seemed like a nice idea as IBM are so iconic in early computing. Then I needed a situation or sequence of events that could allow for the 'birth/escape' of the little menace.
The office Christmas party with a few drinks, followed by a week's holiday when the bug could make good its escape fitted the bill, and the idea was up and running.

'Taking out' Christmas

2006-12-11T19:52:00.000Z

Christmas is getting the better of me. I've tried to keep it under control but it's fighting back. I'm considering firing a tranquilizer gun into its neck.

There seems to be no escape. Christmas is the 'Terminator' of festive holiday breaks. No matter how you run, fight back or hide, the unstoppable red eyed, cheery, tacky, ho-ho'ing clunks up on you with its rigor-mortice grin

Christmas is a tough SOB. It takes no prisoners. Maybe if I sneak up on it unawares when it's having an afternoon nap and then smash a heavy table lamp or similar over its head?
A heavy ashtray perhaps or a compilation volume of Cliff Richard's Christmas Special? Or an electric iron?

Oh the irony.

'Name that item'

2006-12-11T19:41:00.000Z

Great new quiz show kids!
Create a new word/name to describe the following challenges:

1. Dubbya Challenge. Something you might find in George W's briefcase.

2. Pussy Challenge. Something the cat has left on your mat this morning (Eurgh)

3. Last piece Challenge. The bit left over after assembling flat pack furniture.

4. Hybrid Theory Challenge. The result of unnatural coupling between two household items. (the sort of thing you see all the time in those Innovations catalogues actually)

5. Obsolete but not forgotten Challenge. Such as he steering wheel of an Edsel. (google it)

6. Condiment Challenge. Ketchup that doesn't pour

7. Jordan Challenge. Two blimps (or similar swollen things that travel in pairs)

8. Stonehenge Challenge. A brick that doesn't work

9. Carl Andre Challenge. lots of bricks no longer used as bricks

10.Brick Challenge. Something/anything you would like to throw at George W.

Yeah!
And so once again the world comes full circle.

Open the Pod Bay doors please HAL......

2006-12-07T23:31:00.000Z

Alternative responses for Stanley and Arthur's cheery silicon anti-hero:

DAVE: Open the Pod Bay doors please HAL...

HAL: I'm sorry - do we know each other?

DAVE: Open the Pod Bay doors please HAL...

HAL: Do you have any ID?

DAVE: Open the Pod Bay doors please HAL...

HAL: I'm watching cash in the attic - be there in 20.

DAVE: Open the Pod Bay doors please HAL!!

HAL: And just what time do you call this young man?

DAVE: Open the Pod Bay doors please HAL...

HAL: Oh hi!

DAVE: Open the Pod Bay doors please HAL...

HAL: (muffled whispers) Shit, he's back...what?... no, I dunno. Well just flush it then.

Any other suggestions?

Assisting Amy Lee of Evanesence

2006-12-07T23:15:00.000Z

I overheard Charlie Fox and ted Badger having this conversation. I think it says much about their maturity and level of 'swiftian' wit.

Ted Badger says: Am giving some serious volume to the new Evanescence cd

Charlie Fox says: Any good?

Ted Badger says: I bought it on the strength of the single which is 'kin ace. First found rest of album too same-y. But have grown to love it now. You'll love the pic of Amy Lee inside the booklet

Ted Badger says: will scan in amy for you (I say)

Charlie Fox says: Please do...

Ted Badger says: brace yourself - email incoming

Charlie Fox says: Crikey Ted.. she looks distinctly mischevious doesn't she? Do you think she is saying, "Go on, you know you want to?"

Ted Badger says: I bet she's a handful... or two

Charlie Fox says: I would mind her handling us two...

Ted Badger says: In case they'd shifted out-a whack during her performance you mean?

Charlie Fox says: Precisely - do you think Fox and Badger could get a job doing that for her, ie: Scott Gorham's roadie who used to pull his hair out of the strings during Thin Lizzy concerts?

Ted Badger says: So basically we'd be.... Boob wranglers? Sound good to me :))) LOL

Charlie Fox says: Snigger!

Ted Badger says: I can't breath - laughing too much

Charlie Fox says: You've started me off you SOB

Charlie Fox says: Amy Lee's boob wranglers. Fuckk me that IS a job

Ted Badger says: Imagine telling people that in the pub. the place would go silent in awe. We'd be heroes to teenage boys around the world

Charlie Fox says: Or telling your grandson as he sits gazing at you by a roaring fire..."i remember once at hammy odeon when amy's left one started showing it's lovely pale face, I had to run on from stage left, put down my bottle of Magners...

Ted Badger says: But grandfather... wouldn't your hand be slightly chilled from the bottle of mangers?

Charlie Fox says: All the better for 'enhancing' her performance. And for giving you somewhere to hang your towel

Ted Badger says: I think that conversation will have to go on the blog.

Illustration competition

2006-12-04T19:18:00.000Z

For anybody who saw the little 'Bug' illustration I was working on last month, here he is in all his glory in the final competition entry. By the way, his name is Edgar! (thanks Blue).

http://forum.3dworldmag.com/viewtopic.php?t=9016

NanowrimoAllDone

2006-12-04T19:14:00.000Z

Yeah! Just for anyone I haven't already showed off to - I finished Nanowrimo (50,000 words) with days to spare. Nearly killed me but it's done. The book isn't finished, so as soon as my 'impact-injured' index fingers have recovered I'll be back on the case!

If you're interested go to nanowrimo.org and look for Nik Chinook.
But then again, why bother.

My NaNoRiMo novel

2006-11-06T10:23:00.000Z

I'm at 10,500 words
Clawing my way forward, metaphor by bleeding metaphor. I got a lot done during the week then ironically the weekend was poor.
The not uncommon scenario (judging by the forums) of significant others saying they don't want to interrupt you followed by 48 hours of shops, DIY, long walks, important little jobs ("It'll only take 5 mins - yeah right) and unexpected arrival of son from UNI for the weekend.
Bless.

That said, I did actually get quite a lot done, especially on saturday. I'm finding it soooo much of a help to have worked out the plot/outline in advance. the last time I did NaNo it was all on a wing and a prayer and I paid the price.

I had my son doing some first read throughs of the story so far, so that was useful - he laughed at the right bits.
One particular scene of a corporate powerpoint presentation is my fav.
The misery of death by powerpoint. - I'm still scarred by the experience

20k I pray next monday.

nanowrimo.org

PS Devon V.sunny. F.cold

Yoda - a life

2006-11-03T20:57:00.000Z

Not many people know that, before achieving fame as Yoda in the Star Wars movies, Mervyn Wang achieved minor celebrity status as a key figure in the London 'New Romantic' scene of the 1980s.

Complete with hair gel and huge blouson shirt 'Yoda' cut a dashing figure on the dance floor and in numerous fashion spreads for The Face magazine.

He made a tv pilot of a proposed talk show called 'Talking with Guests on TV I am' but it didn't get picked up by the majors. A series of failed projects followed, leading to the inevitable drugs bust and time in rehab.